What the Hell...?

     Okay, something really weird is happening - well, it didn't start just now. I've thought about this multiple times before for about a year now. I haven't done anything about this and these thoughts haven't changed my daily life or any of my relationships or something, but...  Okay, there's this guy that used to go to my school. He graduated last year which kinda bummed me out because I'm positive that he was the hottest, most sweetest thing to walk across my path, but....  what if I told you....   that "he" wasn't a he? I had no idea that he was really a she until someone told me, because he would always have a girlfriend at his side kissing on him while I stood by, being jealous - well, kissing on her. So now I'm conflicted. When I see pictures of her face, I'm like, "Oh god, yes." because I automatically imagine the rest of her existing as a guy (which it looks a lot like it) , but when I think of what's really there, I'm like, "Oh, whoa! Back up there.", then I think about it for a few moments, and I come to the conclusion that it's not that bad if I don't think about it. Now I don't know what to think, because I know I'm straight (when I wonder what it would be like if I did something with a girl, it just seems to gross me out) , but why is it that I'm okay with this person the way she is? Why is it that I still want to be with her and that I'm still attracted to her? Ehh, that feels weird calling her a her. Sigh....  I don't think I should really think into it much...  like, at all, because I already have a potential relationship on my plate (Russel) , and I don't need to be distracted by a goalless idea.

Weekends, Loads of Shit, and Accomplishments

     God damn, I didn't think I'd start my period until next week or something. I knew it'd been a while since my last one, but I don't count the days between them. My life today is a LOAD OF SHIT. I feel like a nasty nasty, and I just want to hide in a hole until Sunday morning. Well, maybe just Friday evening. Okay, no, I want to go to the late start tomorrow morning so I can spend time with friends, but then I want to go home and sleep until Friday evening for girls' night out with my mom (love her to death) , then come home, maybe watch some t.v., have a little food, read something, and fall asleep. Then Saturday, I have no idea what I'm doing. Maybe just chill, I guess? Watch a movie, facebook, stall, wash some clothes, eat a little, and talk to Sky on the phone, maybe, and whatever else happens, happens. Then Sunday...   hrm. What'll I do? I know I'm definitely going to youth group, but I don't really know what I'll do other than that. Showering, laying out my outfit, playing some keyboard, icing my chest, doing my hair (curl/wave) & makeup, maybe taking some pictures, eating some food, using some scented stuff, and lotioning up all sounds good....

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DUDE!! Huge accomplishment yesterday! My thighs don't touch. I haven't had that happen in two years time. Now I have personal proof against Norman's theory: I'm pretty sure I'm a virgin, yet my thighs don't touch even when my feet are together, side-by-side.  =)  This just MADE MY LIFE.

Relationships?

     Man, this sucks being in school. I only got to message Russel & Travis once last night. Yesterday was the Christmas Choir Concert, and it was horrible. My outfit was okay though. When I tried to talk to Russel on the way to the buses, he barely talked. He was so out of it. That doesn't mean that what happened over the weekend is over, though. ;)  Even just the way held me felt amazing. Sure, I have emotional feelings for him, but I'm tired of being single without anything physical. Russel probably likes me for me, but if he just wants my body, who cares? I'm okay with it. A real relationship with him would definitely be great, but a straight up physical relationship would be okay with me. (I just reread this, and I realized that it really hurt when I said that last sentence. It would be horrible if he really didn't care about me. That was stupid of me to say.)

     Well, I'll always remember that it started on December 10, 2011 ~ 12-10-11

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     Hmmm...   what should I write? I can't think of anything. Well, my blog is pretty cool, I guess. Hannah still creeps on that one guy. ;)  I forgot to bring an apple to lunch, too. Fml. The shirt I'm wearing is from last night's choir concert (where we were out-shined by the Spartan Aires and Select Choir) . I honestly think it makes my body look the way I feel it should. Though it makes my boobs look no bigger than they really are, it gives me a good look to my figure (unlike this one stupid purple and white striped sweater I have that makes me look lumpy and flat-chested) , especially with my hair clipped up, and my little white flower clip in my bangs. It shows my neck and collar bone, too. :)  I still think it's a hot part of the body. Especially with kisses right down the jugular vein. That's just where it feels best in my opinion. :)

          God, I love my life. <3

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     I honestly think I spend the majority of my time writing in my notebook during classes. Well, not all my classes, but if I start writing, I don't stop until my next period. Like in math, this past week, I did NOTHING but write. I didn't do one paper unless we had to, like a quiz or something. I didn't even pretend to work or listen at all. The material was just so boring, and  I was flipping out about getting ready for the overnighter. Even though I had no idea what was going on, I think I totally just aced the test we did today. =)  How great is that? It was just a little basic info and a few basic concepts that I picked up off the quiz we took last week. :)  I rock.

8~25~11 First Day of School

     Home room is pretty cool. Kinda loud with everyone in the halls before class. A few conversations are being ignored. I'm just thinking about how great all my classes seem to be. Nicole was just telling me how she ran through the whole school. Oh my god, I can't make my careless-looking buns easily anymore. :(  I'm so freaked out by the catwalk. I guess Hali and I are going to have to walk across it for French anyways. :(  None of the posters in here (Mr. Graves's home room) are very occupying. Mr. Graves tried to get the class to give feedback on the orientation day, but no one wanted to talk (including me) , so no one really did talk. Jacob was just sent to the office with the attendance list. He came back sooner than I thought he would seeing as we're on the second floor. Hrm. The group is all separated now, and it really sucks. Brooke doesn't even come here anymore (stupid Green schools) , and I only have one class with Hannah Norman, and Megan. I have classes with other friends, though, like Jesse, Steven, Lexi, Halie, Gabriel, and other acquaintances. I don't have classes with hardly anyone I don't like. There's only two people that I can really think of. Class is about to let out. Bye.

Russel Powell :)

     I don't think I can emphasize enough how crazy this boy makes me. So much happened in the last two days. Let me explain:
     WELL, today's Sunday, so around 6:00 p.m. yesterday, I went to a sleep over thing at the church where I always go to youth group. Near the beginning, Russel and I continued our "21 Questions" game that we've got going on FB since maybe a week ago. We talked about all sorts of things for an hour and a half straight, like if I thought his jaw/neck/collar bone combination was attractive(I answered "yes" of course.), or how I think I look 10x better without clothes(I just don't like the way clothes look on me.). Later in the night when everyone was getting tired, Russel, Kristina, and Brett all ended up in the small prayer room talking about stuff. I got super tired of not knowing what to do while everyone else was in groups doing their own thing, so I came in the room with the three. I was easily invited in, but I felt kind of lame just sitting there while they were enjoying their time together. That soon changed when the conversation turned to "Truth or Dare" with a water bottle to spin. At first I did a few truths, but then I think I just decided to be dangerous and let them decide my fate with a dozen dares in a row. I definitely know which dare was my favorite: "I dare you to kiss Russel's neck!". I took my time"deciding" while he kept saying, "Come on. Come on. Do it. :)". Then I said, "Okay." with a smirk. I stood up, leaned over him, and  kissed his neck. I backed away, and watch him sit there for ten seconds in his own little world with a huge grin on his face. "Whats that look for?" I asked. "I don't-I don't know. Just the way you did it." he said, still smiling. I was thinking *Yeah, that's right. You enjoy it. :)* (I told Lexi about it, but Russel came sneaking around the corner and heard everything. I think.). So we kept up the "Truth or Dare" for a while longer until everyone thought they had to come in and ruin it. As soon as they came in, everything just sucked. None of us from the original group wanted to play the game with everyone in the room. Also, Travis brought his friend named, "Ed" or something, and when everyone came in, he kept making fun of Brett completely unnecessarily. He was like, "Wtf? He looks like he's in second grade. HAHAHAH. Look at him! He's so small! HAHAHA!". No, shut the fuck up. He gets enough shit about that all the time. I tried to tell him to shut his mouth, but he was such a douche. Anyways, throughout the whole night, Russel wanted stay with me, and made a point of it when he told me to not let people make him play football(everyone kept bugging him to play. He loves it, but he must have thought that I was more worth his time.). There was one moment I remember when we were in the prayer room alone(people dispersed, I guess)where he said, "Come here... come on." and I think I knew what it was. Maybe an invitation for a kiss? I would have if only I hadn't been drinking this stupid Mio water stuff that made my mouth dry. I died a little bit inside. There was my chance. Alone and undisturbed....  nope. chance gone because of some stupid water. Later, somewhere in the early morning(4:15), we were still in the prayer room with Travis, Brett, Kristina, Tiffany, Matt? Alexis? John? I can't remember. That sounds like more than there really were, but anyways, we were in the prayer room when Russel decided to sit on my lap. I lied my head on the back of his shoulder and closed my eyes. I wasn't nervous, but my heart started to beat a little harder. He said, "I can feel your heart beat. :)" It reminded me of the song "Heartbeat" by Enrique and Nicole. I don't know what I should take from that, or if I should take anything from it at all. Well, about 10 minutes later, he told me to switch him places, so I did, and you wanna know what...? He did exactly what I told him about. He didn't treat me like I was a fragile piece of glass. He held me firmly, but gentle at the same time.
     So, from then on, until he left 2 minutes before me, every time we'd sit down or something, it would be more like a cuddle rather than just sitting there. Even his goodbye hug, despite my loads of luggage, was great, just the way he wrapped his hands around my waist. Now there's the closure I needed...