He Said It

...He said it. I wasn't ever expecting him to, but he finally said it out loud. "...I like you..." Most adorably perfect sentence I've ever heard Josh say. I can't help but smile to myself just thinking about it.
"...I'll be honest, I've liked you for a really long time...like...months." I said...meaning a little under a year. I've only just allowed myself to accept my feelings for him in the last five months, though. Last year, I forced myself to hold my tongue and turn down his flirtation. It was torture not being able to flirt back or show him how I felt. And I forced myself to suffer... simply for the good of my friend, Jordan. I don't want to call her emotionally frail or anything, but I knew she'd be hurt if I tried to go after him while she was driven with infatuation for him. I couldn't do that to her, and I would hate myself for hurting her, so I turned down his every move. ...And it pained me to know that he had no idea how I felt.
When I admitted to him how I felt, he smiled and his eyes widened in surprise at my...lasting crush.

David's Shoulder...Continued

Finally, we pulled into this metallic blimp dock looking building. As soon as we stoped, I flung myself out of the side door. We'd only driven about 200 yards to get to the building. It felt like an eternity to get there, in my state of panic. I turned to the big open door and saw David walking in, eager to see me. I ran over to him and hugged him with frantic force like he was my last lifeline in a dire situation. I immediately began to sob into his shoulder. He hugged me back, but after about ten seconds, I worried that he might be done with the hug, so I reluctantly attempted to release him only to be pulled into another hug even tighter and more emotional than the last. It was like he could feel how desperately I needed someone to be close to. I felt so secure in his arms. Though, I have no romantic feelings for him, it was better than any comfort a crush could have possibly offered to me.
God, such a stressful dream. I guess it was just a reflection of how I've been feeling lately. Uggh...I'll have to come out of it some time soon.

David's Shoulder

This morning, I woke up from a...painful dream. I was walking with my cousins and my aunt and uncle to their big van(seeing as they still have six of the kids still living with them--at least in my dream. Sam is still at that home for girls. Uggh. I wish I could see her. Maybe this summer. She's graduating this year, so that's good). I think I was leaving the airport to stay with them for a while, but we were on a dirt road, so that was weird. It was muddy, too because I guess it had rained a bit before we walked to the van. The clouds were dark, and I could smell rain in the air. We fially all loaded into the van. I sat in the back between Sami and Randi like always. When we began to move down the road, I turned to look out the back window. And then I saw him. I saw my friend, David, all the way down the dirt road. Immediately, my stomach twisted into a huge knot. I whipped my head around to face my uncle who was driving. "STOP THE CAR!! I NEED TO GET OUT!! STOP THE CAR!! NOW!!" I screamed. Despite my conviction in my demand, both my aunt and uncle were like, "Ehh, I dont know. Maybe when we get in the building." I was INFURIATING.

Crying to Mason...Continued

School. That's what's got me so under. It's the whole thing with my dream to go to PLCC for cosmetology and the issue with scheduling for my core classes and the elective classes I wish I could take. It's terrible. Every time schedualing comes up in conversation with friends, I get all quiet and lock my eyes on the floor until the topic passes. It's all I can do to keep from bawling on the spot. As an example, one day at lunch, I was sort of payfully yelling at Mason about how he claimed to have gotten a two-inch splinter in his foot one time…but I guess it came out more bitchy than playful, and my other friend, Oliver, got all pissed at me, telling me to shut the fuck up. Coming from him,it particularly hurt more than it should have just becuse, well...I'v sort of had a super long-lasting crush on him for...I guess years. But it's never been something to act on. It's confusing because gender wise, he is actually a she. But it's Oliver that's got me so...uggh. I dont even know the word for it. Is love too strong of a word? Umm, ANYWAYS... at lunch, when he yelled at me, I just about bawled. I wont ever tell him that, though because he'll think I'm a baby. God, I hate life.

Crying to Mason

I just got done talking--well, typing to my friend Mason about how awful these last couple weeks have been. How awful, you say? Awful enough to have to leave class to escape into a bathroom and cry multiple times a day. A lot of times, I don't even make it to the bathroom before my lip begins to tremble and the tears threaten to fall over my lashes. The bathrooms aren't even an escape. They're just a place to hide my face from other curious student while I allow myself a moment of weakness. I can't "escape" from what's upsetting me if I'm in the very building that's got me so stressed.
I'm taking about school. Uggh. I'm too tired to type about it. I'll make a post tomorrow.

Let's just hope I have another dream like the one of Josh last night.

Dreams

Last night I was up til maybe three o clock. Maybe this was the cause for my strange dream...or maybe it's my subconcious's always-active imagination that conjures up creative dreams all the time. I don't know.
Well...in my dream, Josh was there. But it was much better than real life. The subtle touches and looks we trade in real life were magnified into loving caresses of a hand across the other's back or a sweet kiss to the other's palm or even just laying there, silently running fingers through eachother's hair. It was...beautiful. We smiled at eachother the way an old couple would as if their relationship had just begun. Like we'd shared all of our secrets with eachother over the long years, yet the infatuation stayed fresh betwen us.
Sometimes I wonder if it makes me... well, kind of weird to dream up things like these. It's, no doubt, pleasantly pleasurable to experience these desires without effort, but when I come back to reality, it just reminds me that my life just isn't that flawless. Things are different. And maybe things are different in life because you know you shouldn't follow your subconcious's desires. Maybe real life makes those desires destructive rather than beneficial.
I guess I'll figure it out soon.

Holy Fucking Shit

Holy fucking shit. Hear this. There's a dance at school tomorrow night. Skyler's going because she and that guy, Jacob  were supposed to go together, but he had bmx racing to do. I never gave any thought of actually going, but...holy fucking shit.
Today Josh said at lunch that he wanted to ask this one girl, but chickened out. Just then, he looked at me with those big brown eyes of his. Not in that shameful, I don't know if I should tell her this kind of way, but in an udefinable way that meant he might be talking about me. I started to blush madly, so I turned my attention to my math homework on the table like a wimpy dork. I told myself that it was okay to leave the conversation real quick to recover from my blushing because Josh was still talking with Jake Mellon. Funny guy. lol. But after a minute or two, I came back to the conversation and we started talking about virginity and what sex means to men and women.

Moral of the story: HOLY FUCKING SHIT. I didnt even THINK about going to the dance with him. Goddamnit. I hate this. Now I'm going to be thinking about this all weekend. Kill me now. What could have been...